am pleased to introduce a new guest blogger here on the EvenHand
website: Matt Jansky. Matt lives in Los Angeles and has a unique
take on the joys of the holiday season:
by Matthew Jansky
you may be wondering how we got through the Christmas season so
easily, and the answer is clear: Avoiding mental confusion brought
about by stress! It's so easy, I'm surprised I think of it
years ago didn't!
Now, I know what many of you are thinking: "Hey, Matt-- Wake
up! Christmas was in October!" But my thinking is,
better early than ever... part of the reason everything is going so
smoothly here. We started off the 2004 holiday season like
most people-- by doing our 2003 taxes! Again, I would
recommend this for everyone: COMBINE the tax and holiday seasons, so
you can do all your work at once when you have much less time.
Also, by blending and mixing different kinds of stress, it produces
new feelings of panic and paranoia that are a blissful relief from
the stale, old, 20th century neurotic emotions. If you're
lucky, you can achieve a state of skull-shattering rage and frustration
where you feel like you're a robot that runs on solar batteries that
only work at noon so you have to constantly run around the world and
keep the sun directly over your head.
Now that the presents are all piled on top of the tree, and Santa's
swinging from the yardarm, there are a few things that always get
lost in the shuffle. For example: What do I do about getting
my house to the vet? I'm getting those early warning signs
that he needs a checkup-- water in places it shouldn't be, rooms
that are very cold and dark that I've been afraid to go into and
can't remember what they're for, no place to go to the bathroom.
I know I must have done this last year. How did I get the
harness on the house, and get it into my car? Come to think of
it, the house probably needs to be walked. I don't think it's
been outside for a very long time.
I've also been unable to find any of tax documents for the dogs.
How far back should I look? As long as we've held our mortgage
on them, right? I think we refinanced the poodle in about '03,
but the paperwork is in one of the rooms I'm scared to go into.
Well, the temperature has swung madly from about 38 degrees two
nights ago to 85 degrees today, and you know what that means-- a
visit from our Friendly Holiday Flies! Yes, it wouldn't be
Christmas without LOTS and LOTS of FLIES, would it? Where do
they all come from? It's like magic!
Anyway, gotta run, doing VERY VERY VERY VERY well here, couldn't be
better, tip top!
Copyright © 2004 Matthew Jansky, All Rights Reserved - reprinted by
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always, I am more than happy to do for other police departments
what we did for San Antonio's Bexar County
widows and orphan's fund, the 100 Club. We made a print
available for two benefit screenings that raised more than $6000. If
you want to discuss doing something similar for your department,
shoot me an e-mail.
EvenHand links page has many new
and interesting links, so please give it a visit. We also have a
spiffy new link graphic (below). If you put it on your site, we will
put your graphic and link on ours.
don't forget to visit the EvenHand
Store. We offer EvenHand posters, T-shirts and SLPD shoulder
patches, as well as the insanely popular "FAT COP" tank
top. There is some lively trading going on in the SLPD shoulder
patch department, so if you have a police patch you're interested in
trading, please visit the EvenHand store or send an email.
The EvenHand listing on the
Internet Movie Database has accumulated some votes, but more are always welcome. If you have seen
the film, please take a minute and register your vote there. Thanks
to all who have left great reviews on the IMDb site! Here's a link:
SAFE AND HAPPY HOLIDAY SEASON TO ALL!
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Copyright © 2004 Cypress
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